Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
