I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
