Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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