the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
