I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
