Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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