woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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