apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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