Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
