i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
