I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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