we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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