Sry I called you an 8
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
