Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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