At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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