the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
