Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
