Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
