Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
