as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
