Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
