I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
