Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
