just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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