I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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