Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
