I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
