My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
