i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
