i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
