plz talk dirty to me
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
