I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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