Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
