his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
