I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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