woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
