ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
ok first of all what the fuck
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
