Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
