I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
