I will die if light touches me.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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