i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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