I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
