No stitches, just platelets and will power
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
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