I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
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