Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
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