I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
