I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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