I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
