I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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