im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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