Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
